A LIGHTHEARTED LOOK AT CREWING

ON AN M-SCOW

BY JOANNE CALLAHAN

BEING "THE CREW" ON A TWO PERSON SAILBOAT IS AN EXPERIENCE UNLIKE ANY OTHER. IT DIFFERS FROM CREWING ON BIGGER BOATS IN THAT YOU CAN'T:

A) BLAME THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU

B) FEIGN EXHAUSTION AND HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO YOUR WORK FOR YOU .

C) COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SKIPPER .

IN SHORT, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN - JUST YOU, THE BOAT, AN UNFORGIVING WHISKER POLE, SOME SOGGY LINES AND AN IRRITATED SKIPPER CAPABLE OF DRAWING BLOOD WITH A MERE TOUCH OF THE TILLERS.

FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF QUESTIONS A SKIPPER WILL UNDOUBTEDLY ASK "THE CREW" DURING THE COURSE OF A RACE:

THE BOAT COLOR AND SAIL NUMBERS OF EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER SAILED AGAINST

ALL THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF SAILING ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

DECIPHERNG EVERY FLAG THE COMMITTEE USES FROM THE BLACK AND WHITE DRAWING ON THE COURSE SHEET /WHICH NEVER INCLUDES WHAT THEY ACTUALY USE)

WHERE THE WIND IS COMING FROM WHEN THERE ISN'T ANY TO SPEAK OF

CAN YOU POINT TO THE NEXT MARK? (USUALLY ASKED AFTER YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BILGE OF THE BOAT TRYING TO UNWEDGE THE WHISKER POLE FROM BEHIND THE BOARD WELL, AND HAVE SINCE LOST YOUR BEARINGS)

WHY DID SO- AND- SO TACK?

THESE ARE DECEPTIVE QUESTIONS, DESIGNED TO MAKE THE CREW THINK HE OR SHE IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE SAILING EXPERIENCE AND A GOOD RESOURCE FOR INFORMATION. WHAT THESE QUESTIONS REALLY ARE MEANT TO DO IS TO GIVE THE SKIPPER A REASON TO YELL WHEN HE RUNS OUT OF LEGITIMATE ONES. AND HE WILL YELL, FOR NO MATTER WHAT YOUR ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS MIGHT BE, THEY WILL BE WRONG. THE BOAT IS NOT RED, ITS BURGUNDY; THEY ARE NOT CANCELING THE RACE THEY ARE ABANDONING IT, ETC.

A SMART CREW CAN STALL ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS IF THEY THINK ON THEIR FEET (OR BOTTOMS, AS THE CASE MAY BE). THE FIRST THING TO DO IS AVOID MAKING EYE CONTACT. (THE ONLY TIME I LOOK TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE BOAT IS WHEN ITS ON THE TRAILER HEADED OUT). THE SECOND THING TO DO IS TO BECOME VERY INTERESTED IN SOMETHING IN YOUR AREA OF THE BOAT, I.E. THE COLOR OF THE TELLTALE ON THE SIDESTAY, THE THREAD COUNT OF THE JIB SHEET, THE ANCHOR, OR THAT STUFF STUCK ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BOOT. IF YOU KEEP THIS UP LONG ENOUGH, SOMETHING ELSE IS BOUND TO COME ALONG TO DISTRACT THE SKIPPER (THE WlND SHIFTS, SOMEONE TACKS, OR THE GOODYEAR BLIMP FLOATS BY) . IF YOU ARE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE THE CENTER OF HIS ATTENTION AT THAT MOMENT, YOU CAN POSSIBLY CONJURE UP A SERIES OF SNEEZES, COUGHS OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT WILL PREVENT YOU FROM SPEAKING. KEEP THIS UP UNTIL THE CRISES PASSES.

ANOTHER OBSTACLE THE CREW ENCOUNTERS IS THE FACT THAT NO MATTER WHAT HE OR SHE DOES, IT WILL NOT BE DONE PROPERLY. THE JIB WILL NEVER BE TRIMMED AS IT SHOULD BE (EITHER IN TOO MUCH OR OUT TOO MUCH), YOU WILL NEVER BE SITTING IN THE RIGHT PLACE, (EITHER TOO FAR FORWARD, TOO FAR BACK, YOU SHOULD BE IN WHEN YOU'RE OUT, YOU SHOULD BE OUT WHEN YOU'RE IN, OR YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING AT ALL), YOUR BOARD WORK NEEDS IMPROVEMENT, (THE BOARD IS UP TOO MUCH, THE BOARD IS DOWN TOO MUCH), YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SET THE POLE, (THE POLE SHOULD BE MORE FORWARD, THE POLE SHOULD BE BACK MORE). OF COURSE. ALL OF THESE CRITICISMS ARE DONE A FEW OCTAVES ABOVE THE SKIPPERS NORMAL VOICE, AND IF THERE ARE OTHER BOATS IN THE GENERAL VICINITY, HE CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEXT COUNTY. JUST GET USED TO IT.

WHY JUST GET USED TO IT? BECAUSE YOU DO NOT NEED TO INCUR THE WRATH OF THE SKIPPER. AN ANGRY SKIPPER HAS SEVERAL STRATEGIES TO ENABLING HIM TO VENT HIS FRUSTRATION AT YOU 'THE CREW. HE CAN TACK VIOLENTLY AND NOT TELL YOU ABOUT IT ("YOU WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION!"), THUS PITCHING YOU FROM ONE SIDE OF THE VESSEL TO THE OTHER; HE CAN JIBE AS YOU ARE STANDING UP TRYING TO GET THE WHISKER POLE DOWN (I COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER!"), THEREBY SMACKING YOU IN THE HEAD WITH THE BOOM AS YOU TRY TO UNSUCCESSFULLY DUCK OUT OF ITS WAY ("GET THE POLE UP GET THE B0ARD UP HIKE OUT/SIT-IN DON'T GET ANY BLOOD ON THE DECK"); OR HE CAN BLAST INTO THE DOCK AT RACING SPEED, ALL THE WHILE BELLOWING FOR YOU TO TIE A BOLEN ON THE FRONT DECK WHILE FENDING OFF SHARP NAILS WITH YOUR FOOT AND GRABBING A GREASY PILING ("DON'T GET ANY GREASE ON THE LINES, YOUR GLOVES, THE BOAT, THE SAILS!")

SO, NOW THAT YOU'VE LEARNED THE FINE ART OF CREWING ON AN M-SCOW, YOU SHOULD BE READY FOR THE 1997 SAILING SEASON. SO, GRAB YOUR RED AND WHITE STRIPED "GILLIGAN" T-SHIRT, YOUR WHITE BELL BOTTOM PANTS, YOUR SLIP ON LACE-LESS SNEAKERS AND DON'T FORGET YOUR LITTLE WHITE ILL-FITTING CREWS CAP, AND HEAD ON OUT TO THE RACE COURSE, LITTLE BUDDYI