THE ULTRALIGHT ZIP STOVE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED
BREAKING NEWS 11:00p.m. 1/10/99..........................................
The Ultralight Zip Stove has been kidnapped from the almost secure testing grounds at the Jersey Shore. Chief of Detectives Zip Wood made the announcement from the command center just outside the testing grounds. He said, "All leads are being followed by his lead Investigator, Detective Zip Wood Jr. and his highly trained staff, Detective Zip Wood III and Detective Wood Zip.
From early reports the Ultralight Zip was kidnapped during the evening hours of January 10, 1999. Informants are reporting the ZIP is being transported over state lines to the area of Ironmasters Mansion Hostel Pine Grove Furnace, PA. Which happens to be the site of the 1999 RUCK January 29 to 31.
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE 11:27p.m. 1/10/99.....................................
A ransom note has been delivered to the ZIP Command Center.
Pay the ransom of 2 COLD COLAS on January 29th at the site of the RUCK or you'll never see the ULTRALIGHT ZIP STOVE again. Leave ransom with Tom & Marie who run the Ironmaster Mansion Hostel and you will be given further directions to the Ultralight Zip Stove. Fail to pay ransom and you'll find the remains in the recycling center. If you notify the FZI (Federal ZIP Investigations)you'll never see the zip again.
Signed,
GAS STOVES ARE BETTER GANG
BREAKING NEWS REPORT 11:30 p.m. 1/10/99......................................................
As the result of this ransom note a total news blackout has been instituted.
We'll post any and all reports as they are received.
The Daily Planet news paperhas the exclusive rights to all news releases. The reporters investigating this case according to editor Perry White are Clark Kent, Lois Lane and cub reporter Jimmy Olsen. The Tibetian Tribune has exclusive overseas rights to all news releases. The reporters investigation this case according to editor I.M. Abominable are Yowie Sasquatch and Yeti Abominable and cub reporter Himalaya Yeti.
BREAKING NEWS REPORT 7:00a.m. 1/11/99...........................................................
Background investigation has revealed that the "GAS STOVES ARE BETTER GANG" are an international terrorist group receiving financial assistance from the Primus MSR Svea Cartel. It has been previously reported by reporters Clark Kent and Yowie Sasquatch that this cartel placed a bounty on all Zip Stoves.
The KGB has reported they found a mound of shreaded ZIP stoves in Siberia. Interpol has also reported finding a mound of shreaded ZIP stoves outside Paris.
A London Bobbie reported found a cache of ZIP stove in a suspicious box outside the Royal Smelting Center. They are currently be returned to their owners at this time.
The SAVE THE ZIP FOUNDATION had an emergency meeting last night and overwhelmingly approved funds to pay the ransom of the Ultralight Zip Stove. They will purchase the 2 COLD COLAS as soon as they can find the treasurer who has seemed to have zipped away.
OPEC released a statement saying, "They regret the kidnapping of the Ultralight ZIP Stove". They also said,"None of this would have happened if the ZIP Stove had been modified to burn gas."
An Esbit spokesperson said, " It is truly a shame that that the Ultralight ZIP Stove was kidnapped." They also said, " If the Ultralight ZIP Stove was recycled it would produce almost 3 Esbit stoves."
A radical splinter group from SAVE THE ZIP FOUNDATION has vowed to seek out and punish all those responsible for this kidnapping.
BREAKING NEWS REPORT 12:04A.M. 1/13/99..........................................................
The following letters were intercepted by ace reporter Lois Lane and cub reporter Himalaya Yeti from Trail place.
John O,
Thanks for the stove BUDDY! Now that you have revealed our plot to everyone, which
was strictly forbidden in the ransom note, we have now run your stove through a
popcan crusher and your stove is in our recycle bin at the curb! As for the rest
of you Zip owners...we’ll get you my pretties!...and your little stoves too!!!
Signed,
Gas Stoves Are Better Gang
P.S.
Buy more Whisperlights!
Posted by Gas Stoves Are Better Gang on Jan 11, 1999.
Wingfoot,
I need HELP as a member of this thread I plead with you to launch a full internet
investigation into the demise of the Ultralight ZIP Stove. The previous post is
evidence so please save it for the FZI. Don't touch it as they maybe able to get
cyber finger prints from the message.
Have a zipless one.
John O
Posted by John O on Jan 11, 1999.
Reference Gas Stoves Are Better Gang: I inadvertantly left two of these
lightweight Zip stoves together in my garage the other night and you can guess
what happened. Now there are little zips running all over the place. I really fear
they may spread and there is probably nothing we can do about it now. Oh my.
Posted by Tom Conover on Jan 12, 1999.
John O, I'd like to help the cause by donating a case of soda pop. I think
you
could turn this whole thing back on them. They never said what "KIND OF POP" you
had to give them? I'll send you a case of diet, caffine free Mountain Dew! A
dieing thru hiker wouldn't even touch that crap! I do need you to pay for shipping
though. Let's see...that's a ten pound case of pop...at $3 a pound sent
Priority...$30 should cover it. Hey! At least it's free pop!
Posted by Nigal on Jan 12, 1999.
Additional information will be posted as received. The FZI reported the trail is colder than a 3 day old camp fire.
Send any additional information via e-mail johno@mail.monmouth.com
I would use the Ultralight ZIP Stove Confidential InformationForm but I can't figure out how to do it. I read the manual and its still not understandable to me:(
So in place the info will be made confidential via this page :)
I mean just you and I will see it right?;)
More late breaking news to follow.
BREAKING NEWS REPORT 7:00 p.m. 1/14/99......................................................
"Reference Gas Stoves Are Better Gang: I inadvertantly left two of
these
lightweight Zip stoves together in my garage the other night and you can guess
what happened. Now there are little zips running all over the place. I really fear
they may spread and there is probably nothing we can do about it now. Oh my."
Posted by Tom Conover on Jan 12, 1999.
After receiving the above report from Tom Conover yesterday reporters Clark Kent and Lois Lane visited the ZIP Behavior Science Building and spoke with the Director Dr. Wood Chip, PHZ. He confirmed that when the molecular structure is modified in a factory assembled ZIP a irreversible cloning behavior goes bonkers. The only way to stop this process is to locate the kidnapped ZIP and unkidnap it. Otherwise the earth will be overrun by CLONED ZIPS. The scientific terminology for this CLONED ZIPS is ZIPETTEELLWOODONOGASO. In laymen terms it means "We Are Screwed Big Time". The old bend over and kiss you ass goodbye syndrome has happened. Needless to say this is a direct result of the Gas Stoves Are Better Gang kidnapping the Ultralight ZIP. So all you gas stove radicals I hope your happy campers. Hikers complained about the sound of Leki poles while hiking. Wait till you hear the clatter of zillions of ZIPS zipping down the trails. I hope your happy now?
More late breaking news to follow.
January 29, 1999
The Ultralight Zip Stove was returned safe and sound. The ransom of 2 cans cold cola was paid prior to locating the zip. A intense search by the Federal Zip Investigation is ongoing. No gas canister will be left unturned until the perpetrators are apprehended and drawed and quartered. That is after a fair trail by a jury of Zip owners :) and heard by The Honorable Superior Court Judge Woodchip Zip.