[Reprinted from Chess in New York State, 1973-09]
Dear Nell Ooc:
At a recent out-of-town tournament I was paired with the local champion in round one. After about 25 moves my pencil dropped to the floor. When I got up to get it, somehow my belly got stuck and I upset the whole table, spilling the pieces into my opponent's lap, along with a cup of coffee which he had been drinking. Of course everybody in the room turned to stare. I was too embarrassed to say anything, but could only stand there looking like a big dope. How should I have handled this situation? Big Ben.
Dear Ben:
The essence of poise is being able to divert attention from unpleasant developments. You should have immediately offered your opponent a draw.
A tournament announcement I received ends with the line, "Formal Dress Requested." Exactly what does this mean? Puzzled in Pittsford.
Dear Puzzled:
It depends on where the tournament is to be held. At fashionable tournaments on Long Island, formal dress calls for a white dinner jacket with the sleeves neatly tied together in back. The latitude increases from east to west. In Albany jackets are optional; shirts should be neatly pressed and dark trousers worn. In Syracuse shirts should be neatly buttoned and dark dungarees worn. In Rochester T-shirts should be neatly torn and dark Bermuda shorts worn. In Buffalo shirts are optional. In Niagara Falls pants are optional.
New York City has no rules governing dress, or anything else.
In the last round of a tournament I won the toss, but my opponent said a gentleman would choose Black and let his opponent have White, so I let him have White. Then I played the French Defense, but my opponent said a gentleman would play a sporting game like the King's Gambit Accepted, so I played the King's Gambit Accepted. On the eighth move my opponent left a piece en prise, but he said a gentleman would not take advantage of a blunder so I let him take back his move. Two hours later his time ran out, but he said a gentleman would disdain to claim a win on time, so we played it out. Finally I mated him, but he said that he had had a won game and a gentleman would call it a win for him. As a compromise I offered to call it a draw, but he was insulted and said I was no gentleman. Do you think I behaved like a gentleman? Troubled.
Dear Troubled:
No. A gentleman would have punched him in the nose.
This is a problem which has been getting worse and worse. At the last tournament I played in, all the players were eating Kentucky Fried Fox with their fingers and getting smelly fox grease all over the pieces. It was so disgusting, it made me sick. Every time I took a piece I had to run to the lavatory to wash fox grease off my hands. Please say something in your column about this repulsive custom. Nauseated.
Dear Nauseated:
Kentucky Fried Fox should never be eaten with the fingers. The fingers should be eaten separately. Sincerely, Nell Ooc.