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If you actually want of hear about it, what I'd better do is warn you right now that you aren't going to believe it. I mean it is a true story and all, but it still sounds sort of phony. Anyway, my name is Goldi Lox. It's sort of a boring name but my parents said that when I was born I had this very blond hair and all. Actually, I was born bald; I mean how many babies get born with blond hair? None. I mean I've seen them and then all the phonies have to come around and tell you he's as cut as a bug's ear. A bug's ear, boy, that really kills me. You ever see a bug's ear? What's cute about a bug's ear, for Chrisstsake! Nothing, that's what. So, like I was saying. I always seem to be getting into these very stupid situations. Like this time I was telling you about. Anyway, I was walking through the forest and all when I see this very interesting house. A HOUSE. You wouldn't think anybody would be living way the hell out in the goddamn forest, but they were. No one was home or anything and the door was open, so I walked in. I figured what I'd do, I'd probably horse around until the guys that lived there came home and maybe asked me to stay for dinner of something. Some people think they have to ask you to stay for dinner even if they hate you. Also I didn't exactly feel like going home and getting asked a lot of lousy questions. I mean that's all I ever seem to do. Anyway, while I was waiting I sort of sampled some of this stuff they had on the table that tasted like oatmeal. OATMEAL. It would have made you puke. I mean it. Then something spooky started happening. I started getting dizzier than hell. I figured you eat something like lousy oatmeal you can feel better if you just rest for a while, so I sat down. That's when the goddamn CHAIR breaks in half. No kidding, you start feeling lousy and some stupid CHAIR is going to break on you every tome. I'm not kidding. Anyway I finally found this crummy bedroom and I lay down on this very tiny bed. I was really depressed. I don't know how long I was asleep or anything, but all of a sudden I hear this very strange voice say, someone's been sleeping in my sack, for chrissake and there she is! So I open my eyes and here at the foot of the bed are these three crummy bears. BEARS! I swear to God. By that time I was really depressed. There's nothing more depressing than waking up and finding three bears talking about you, I mean. So I didn't stay around and shoot the breeze with them or anything. If you want to know the truth, I sort of ran out there like a madman or something. I do that quite a lot when I'm depressed like that. On the way home though, I got to figuring. What probably happened is these bears wandered in when they smelled the oatmeal and all. Probably bears LIKE oatmeal, I don't know. And the voice I heard when I woke up was probably something I dreamt. So, that's the story. |